We often hear businesses talk about their brand values – things like integrity, teamwork and respect. These words have meaning, are sincere and help businesses form strong and positive relationships.
Whether we realise it or not, we all have values too. These are things that make up who we are and represent us at our best. When we’re true to our values we feel ‘right’ on the inside – because we’re being our true selves. And by following our values, our words and behaviours represent who we really are, rather than insecurity, hurt or judgement determining what we say or do.
If you’re looking to improve any relationship, be true to yourself. Try the following seven ways and see if they feel like values to you…
Be Conscious
By being conscious we’re mindful of how we’re behaving, what we’re feeling and how we’re relating.
Take a moment before you react angrily to your partner, parent, colleague or friend. Consider what you’re going to say and what the most constructive response would be.
Be Open-Hearted
By being open-hearted we think the best of others, rather than the worst and we offer compassion, rather than judgement. This gives us the courage to be open and loving, regardless of what’s going on.
You’ve just had a row with your partner who stormed out of the room. When they return, ask them what they need and how you can help, instead of shutting down or judging them.
Be Curious
By being curious we can try to recognise and understand what’s happening in someone else – both intellectually and emotionally – instead of judging or blaming them. And by doing that – we’re more likely to empathise with them.
Instead of getting defensive when someone criticises something you say or do, ask why your words or actions bothered them so much.
Be Committed
By being committed we take responsibility for the part we play in a relationship. If we mess up, we fess up. And if the going gets tough we continue to honour the relationship and what it stands for.
Apologise for something you did, that you know was wrong, even if it was only a tiny part of the incident.
Be Collaborative
When we collaborate, we grow as people and become a stronger team – we empower each other. This doesn’t mean we have to agree on everything, nor does it mean giving in. It means equal and autonomous people choosing to find ways of working together, without resentment, for the good of the relationship.
You need a new shared car. You really want a sporty little mini. Your partner wants a large convertible Audi. Neither of these work for both of you so you agree to forego your individual preferences and buy a VW Golf that can withstand the car wash and is easy to park!
Be Present
When we let go of what happened yesterday and stop worrying about what might happen tomorrow, we can be present in every moment of today.
Try forgiving your partner, your boss or your parent for what they said yesterday and focus instead on the qualities they’re showing today. By living like this, you’ll be more appreciative of people, life and relationships and more able to get through challenges, because you’re not dwelling on them.
Be Respectful
We can be respectful by being open and honest, asserting our needs and boundaries but not judging or criticising while we’re do it.
Next time you disagree with someone, show respect for them by not telling them they’re wrong/stupid/thoughtless. Tell them you hear them and understand what they’re saying and how they feel (and if you don’t, get curious until you do). If you still disagree after you’ve really listened, tell them you just see things differently.
I’m not going to pretend that all of this is easy. Some of it might not be. And even if you change, it doesn’t mean someone else will too. But by getting to you know your own values and following these steps too, you can be your “best self” in your relationships and your life.
