Here we are. The start of another year. Resolutions made and possibly already broken (and who can blame you given the restrictions we’re living under). We often focus on giving up alcohol and chocolate and doing more exercise at this time of year, but have you ever considered increasing your self-awareness?
When I ask my clients that question, many look at me blankly. “What even is that?” some say, or “what’s the point?”
What is Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is complex, but (in a nutshell) it involves noticing what is going on within you – your feelings, thoughts and emotions and how they affect each other. It’s knowing your limitations, abilities, qualities, boundaries and needs. It’s also about understanding your belief system and noticing when you’ve made an assumption or judgement about something or someone. And it’s being aware that all these things influence what you say and do and how feel about and react to people and situations.
I was talking to a friend recently (I’ll call her Gina) who was concerned about her relationship with her mother-in-law. Gina felt that no matter how hard she tried, her mother-in-law just didn’t ‘get’ her. She regularly did or said things that resulted in her feeling upset. “The number of times she’s told me how sad she is that my parents can’t see the children because of covid and how lucky she feels being nearer and able to see them, is unbelievable. She even wrote it in her Christmas card to them.” she explained. Gina saw this as completely insensitive. After some self-reflection though, she realised that perhaps – in her own way – her mother-in-law is trying to show she cares.
By becoming more self-aware of her own judgement and how she tends to see the worst in her mother-in-law, Gina was able to think differently. This meant she could respond differently. This is now helping her make the relationship a more positive one.
Self-awareness can make a huge difference to the way we live our lives and relate to others. It’s the foundation of emotional intelligence, which is vital in healthy relationships, but it takes practice. As humans our brains are ‘programmed’ to protect. To look outwards for possible threats (which is why we often judge and blame others), before we look inwards at ourselves. But this is something we can change.
Nurturing Self-Awareness
Research shows that 95% of us believe we are self-aware, when only 10-15% of us really are***. Becoming more self-aware takes time and effort, but these five simple steps will get you started and help you make real changes to your relationships:
Notice your feelings
Ask yourself regularly what you’re feeling. Write this down and at the end of the day have a look back at the day’s feelings.
Consider your thoughts
Ask yourself what thoughts created all those feelings and whether you’re completely sure those thoughts were accurate. Maybe you made some assumptions or judgements? Perhaps you interpreted something incorrectly? Maybe you could have seen the situation from another perspective? Considering all this increases self-awareness.
Ask yourself what your emotions are telling you
Notice whether you’re in charge of your emotions or they’re in charge of you. Ask yourself what signals your emotions are giving you (what are they telling you?), how you’re influencing them and what beliefs are fueling them?
Notice your impact
Notice the impact your behaviour has on someone else. It may be more than you think – and not what you intended. Look back at what you said and did and how that was interpreted – and consider what you could have done differently to have the impact you intended.
Observe how you are listening
When you’re talking with someone, are you truly listening or are you distracted by your attachment to your own point of view and because you’re formulating your next point? Try managing your distracting inner voice so you can listen more deeply.
Clients often come to me in the hope that I will help change their partner and are then shocked when I tell them the first place to create change is within themself. Changing ourselves starts with more self-awareness. Then we’re more likely to create change around us, by influencing people to respond to us differently. It also means we’re likely to become a better version of ourself. So, to change what’s going on around you – look within. It really is the key to long lasting, happy and healthy relationships.
*If you’d like to know more about self-awareness and how it can help you and your relationships, get in touch. I offer a trial, no-obligation coaching session and online self-help courses for individuals and couples. https://www.juliettesmith.co.uk/contact-2
** My case studies are always composite examples of real situations to ensure anonymity. I change all the names.
*** Harvard Business Review. 2018. Working with people who aren’t self-aware.
